Toxicity

Being mentally ill can be draining. Having darkness within you and feeling it pressing on your chest and weighing you down for hours on end while you try to crawl out from the bed that is swallowing you is exhausting, yes. It strips you bare and leaves you feeling either too much or nothing at all. Neither of which is the least bit comforting.
And in our despair we sometimes turn to others. And anyone who has someone who looks out for them during an episode or on a daily/weekly basis is lucky. You honestly have no idea how lucky you are to have even one soul who gives enough of a shit to check up on you and take care of you. 

And sometimes we don’t realize how draining we can be to them. Granted, we don’t have anyone else nor do we know of any magical method to just "snap out of it". But does that justify being toxic to the person or people who love you and want you to be better?

There’s a thin line between being dependent on someone and being toxic to them. And it is up to us to recognize that line and steer clear of the latter. If you have someone in your life who is consistent with their support and the act of simply being there for you, it is on you to not let your despair seep into their lives as well. 

In the past, during those episodes where I feel everything whirl around me and I'm unable to stand upright or make sense of anything in my head, I have allowed myself to plunge into it even further. And I have been toxic to my friends and my family. It wasn’t that I felt I was entitled to it, no. But I simply gave in to despair instead of fighting it. 

Because I didn’t know what else to do. Because I wasn’t strong enough. Because I just didn’t know any better.

And that is where therapy and medication comes in. The pills, they calm you. The therapy teaches you how to handle yourself in those situations. And you learn to disassociate from it long enough to realize you're crossing that line with the people who love you. And that it's not right.

It's not right to expect someone who is not mentally ill to understand everything you are going through. Someone who does not have Depression is incapable of comprehending the depth of it. But they still try to understand you, don’t they? And you have to give them credit for it. I do. A lot. 

But I have also learned that sometimes I am too much for some people. And that they are fighting their own battles and cannot take on any more. And I learn where the line is drawn and I steer clear of it now. And things are better. Those friendships are healthier and stronger. I don’t have unrealistic expectations from those who care about me. I learn their limitations and I steer clear of it. 

I know you're hurting. I know that some days are impossible. But you need to take responsibility for yourself and make it your priority to get help when help is needed. Realize that they are normal people who have their fair share of problems and not professionals who have studied how the brain works.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Get the proper help when help is needed. From trained professionals who are equipped to deal with the depth of your illness. Don’t expect more than anyone can give. And don’t be toxic to the people who love you. 

Believe me. I'm still trying too. I hope this helps.