Abuse

I woke up feeling a bit strange today because i had a rough night owing to gastritis, and nightmares whenever I managed to get some sleep. I feel lethargic and befuddled and all I want is to sleep. But when I do close my eyes, the flashes of my nightmares are still vivid behind my eyelids.
Today I want to talk about surviving abuse, a subject that always leaves me raw. Every image is still clear in my head and every emotion still lingers, as if it happened a few days ago, instead of the decade that has passed by. 

Sometimes I am triggered simply by the thought of being back in that room with hands around my neck and the walls closing in on me. I used to succumb to full blown panic attacks before I started my treatments. I would lie awake unable to sleep because whenever I did drift away, I would have nightmares of slithering coils and snapping jaws. 

When I was a child, I had a fever and it was so intense I started to hallucinate. I saw a snake wrapped around my mother, its thick black coils gleaming with moisture and its eyes, red slits in its large head. I was so weak I couldn't even move and all I could do was stare at it in horror. 

That was the first time I started associating snakes with unbearable pain and being terrified. Over the years, whenever I am severely stressed or suffering in any way, I would have nightmares of obsidian serpents with red eyes. Sometimes they would be there when I woke up and found myself paralysed, during the worst nights. Thanks to medication, therapy and self healing, I rarely have those nightmares now. 

 

Being physically abused leaves a mark on you, like a ghastly tattoo that will never fade. You remember the sensations and emotions you felt and the images of everything you saw during the assault. And you remember the mental abuse even more vividly. How it felt when you were continuously told that you were worthless, unattractive and deserved to be treated the way you were. 

I was young and stubborn and retaliated in the worst ways but I was mostly afraid. Threats and blackmail are frightening and leave you feeling like you are completely at the mercy of your abuser. Your feeling of self worth is crushed and you exist as a shell of your former self; your body on autopilot and your mind, numb.

Breaking free of that situation was one of the hardest things I had to do and I chose my moment when my abuser was weak. I wish it had been more heroic... but then, that's life. You take whatever opportunity you get and do what needs to be done to survive.

Over the past year, a lot has changed, mostly inside my head. What used to overpower me, does not, anymore. You know that last scene in Gerald's Game when Jesse faces Joubert and says "You are so much smaller than I remember."... that is what I have achieved. I have my treatments to thank for that. And yes, my seemingly limitless ability to survive.

Don't let the abuse you suffered define you. You are so much more than that. Say it, believe it and practice it 🙏