Freedom in Solitude

Ramazan was impossible and i was unable to carve out time to blog, among other things. Eid went by in a blur since I was packing to move to a new apartment, which is lovely. It took me several months of asking around on social media and looking at many apartments to find this place and damn, the trial was worth it. Though my neighbourhood is a tad too hood for my taste, once I am in the apartment, i feel like i am out of Male’. Which is heavenly.

Thanks to the good people around me and my sheer force of will, I've managed to make some huge changes in my life over the past couple of years. These changes didn’t come without consequences but I am absorbing what is being thrown at me, converting it into something positive and productive. And i’ve somehow managed to keep my sanity intact. What little of it is left, that is. *cue in nervous laughter*

I’ve had some really bad days in which the bed held me hostage and some good days when i would don my mask and turn on that switch and be the person people want me to be. And it has gotten me by. Sometimes, even the facade helps. Learning to manipulate my thoughts is a process and it does not always work but well, here I am. Up and about.

Being independent and being self reliant is empowering, yes. But it does not come easy. There is much you have to sacrifice and much you have to compromise. Some bridges you have to burn and some you have to strengthen with a stronger base in order to follow your own dreams. And you owe yourself that. Follow your dreams. Even if it costs you more than you are willing to forego. 

My formula is working for what i want and with the rewards, staying true to my obligations and also staying true to myself and my own needs. Took me over 3 decades to arrive at this place but i am grateful to myself and to the people who love me, for their support and generosity.

Making these changes, while living in a society that has set rules for what is expected of a woman, has not been easy. I have second guessed myself and beat myself up over it. More than I can put into words. But at the end of the day, “the peace I have now, is worth everything i lost.”

I hope you find that too. Someday.