The Truth About Healing

Yesterday's EMDR session taught me that although I know healing is not linear, I subconsciously expect the healing of every trauma to be a clear & straight path for me. Got me thinking about how & why I don't apply all that I preach to my own journey at times. 

The expectations we place on ourselves to be better & do better is overwhelming & at times cruel. I prioritize my own healing above everything else now but even when I am being selfish to others, I still find myself being cruel to me. Quite a conundrum.

My therapist sees my internal struggle, between the part of me that wants to plough through it & heal and the part of me that rejects the need to delve into my past & the traumas they contain, become a physical thing & take form and reminds me to be kind to myself. To not expect my path to be a straight line. To not put a deadline on when I have to heal.

Some traumas are locked so deeply inside the maze that is our minds & it has so many dead ends that it makes you feel like you'll never find your way out. 

But it's like she says. Not a straight path, no deadline & be kind. Healing is painful as hell. There's no glossing over it.

Coming Home

I used to have two fully stacked bookshelves. Some time ago, l had to sell most of my books because I needed the money. Broke my heart, really. But now I have two bookshelves again. Not quite fully stacked ... but I'm getting there.

For several years, Depression & C-PTSD stood in my way when it came to doing a lot of things that I used to do. Including reading. Me being me, felt like a poor imitation of the person I used to be, when I realised I just couldn't read anymore. I couldn't even get through a page.

Then i started healing myself with professional help, medication & self accountability. And about two years ago, i started being able to read. It happened gradually & now, i go through multiple books a month, just like I used to before. My reading challenge for the year is 50 books. It's only July & I've already read 35 books already, meaning 70% of the challenge has been completed. 

The more I read, the more books I find that I need to read. Contemporary writers have a raw quality to them. I appreciate their exploration of trauma & it's consequences and their unapologetic bluntness when relaying their tales. It's such a beautiful thing to know that there are so many worlds out there, just waiting for me to delve into them. It's been wonderful coming home to myself 🥰

Manifestations

All my life I've prayed for a home that is draped in natural sunshine and has a view of the ocean. And just in time for my 39th trip around the sun, I'm living that dream, even if it is temporary.

I've healed so much over the past month & I owe it all to sunshine, this view & clean(er) air. Long way to go in my healing journey but this burden has become considerably lighter because I left the place I've lived in all my life and but never really felt like home.

Male' was making me sick in ways I wasn't even aware of. We had to break down some massive walls to get here but so grateful we were able to make it happen. It was all worth it 🙏💛🧿

EMDR

After living with decades of untreated trauma, i've started treatment for C-PTSD with an EMDR specialized therapist at Prana Lounge in Colombo.

One of the main reasons I moved abroad was accessibility to better mental & holistic health care facilities.

This is the vibe of the treatment rooms area of Prana Lounge. Such a quiet & soothing place 💛

Red

I've been repelled by red roses for over a decade, owing to the memories attached to it. My favourite flower is a pale pink rose & when i recieve bouquets, red roses are often used as filler flowers. Whenever that happens, I give them away or throw them out. 

My husband got this complementary red rose from a bookshop yesterday when he bought some books & a pink rose as a V Day gift. I was instantly repelled by it & said I didn't want it. But then i paused & reflected. I figured it's time I stopped allowing red roses to stir up trauma within me. After all, it's not the flower's fault. 

So I heated some water & dunked the petals in it & made a pretty centerpiece for my dining table. I didnt want to be disturbed by the sight of red roses anymore. Instead, I'd slowly learn to appreciate it. After years of gradual healing, I changed the narrative 💛

Chrysalis

Indulging in a cocoon phase is an ambivalent process when our minds have been wired for decades to believe that all of our time should be spent being productive. 

Two years & counting since I started breaking these cycles but it's so deeply ingrained within my core that I must stay productive to prove my worth that I still feel a sense of shame when I rest. 

It's ridiculous how unkind we are to ourselves while preaching kindness for all. Kindness begins at home. And home is within ourselves. I need to learn to rest without guilt or shame.