Abuse

I woke up feeling a bit strange today because i had a rough night owing to gastritis, and nightmares whenever I managed to get some sleep. I feel lethargic and befuddled and all I want is to sleep. But when I do close my eyes, the flashes of my nightmares are still vivid behind my eyelids.
Today I want to talk about surviving abuse, a subject that always leaves me raw. Every image is still clear in my head and every emotion still lingers, as if it happened a few days ago, instead of the decade that has passed by. 

Sometimes I am triggered simply by the thought of being back in that room with hands around my neck and the walls closing in on me. I used to succumb to full blown panic attacks before I started my treatments. I would lie awake unable to sleep because whenever I did drift away, I would have nightmares of slithering coils and snapping jaws. 

When I was a child, I had a fever and it was so intense I started to hallucinate. I saw a snake wrapped around my mother, its thick black coils gleaming with moisture and its eyes, red slits in its large head. I was so weak I couldn't even move and all I could do was stare at it in horror. 

That was the first time I started associating snakes with unbearable pain and being terrified. Over the years, whenever I am severely stressed or suffering in any way, I would have nightmares of obsidian serpents with red eyes. Sometimes they would be there when I woke up and found myself paralysed, during the worst nights. Thanks to medication, therapy and self healing, I rarely have those nightmares now. 

 

Being physically abused leaves a mark on you, like a ghastly tattoo that will never fade. You remember the sensations and emotions you felt and the images of everything you saw during the assault. And you remember the mental abuse even more vividly. How it felt when you were continuously told that you were worthless, unattractive and deserved to be treated the way you were. 

I was young and stubborn and retaliated in the worst ways but I was mostly afraid. Threats and blackmail are frightening and leave you feeling like you are completely at the mercy of your abuser. Your feeling of self worth is crushed and you exist as a shell of your former self; your body on autopilot and your mind, numb.

Breaking free of that situation was one of the hardest things I had to do and I chose my moment when my abuser was weak. I wish it had been more heroic... but then, that's life. You take whatever opportunity you get and do what needs to be done to survive.

Over the past year, a lot has changed, mostly inside my head. What used to overpower me, does not, anymore. You know that last scene in Gerald's Game when Jesse faces Joubert and says "You are so much smaller than I remember."... that is what I have achieved. I have my treatments to thank for that. And yes, my seemingly limitless ability to survive.

Don't let the abuse you suffered define you. You are so much more than that. Say it, believe it and practice it 🙏

Toxicity

Being mentally ill can be draining. Having darkness within you and feeling it pressing on your chest and weighing you down for hours on end while you try to crawl out from the bed that is swallowing you is exhausting, yes. It strips you bare and leaves you feeling either too much or nothing at all. Neither of which is the least bit comforting.
And in our despair we sometimes turn to others. And anyone who has someone who looks out for them during an episode or on a daily/weekly basis is lucky. You honestly have no idea how lucky you are to have even one soul who gives enough of a shit to check up on you and take care of you. 

And sometimes we don’t realize how draining we can be to them. Granted, we don’t have anyone else nor do we know of any magical method to just "snap out of it". But does that justify being toxic to the person or people who love you and want you to be better?

There’s a thin line between being dependent on someone and being toxic to them. And it is up to us to recognize that line and steer clear of the latter. If you have someone in your life who is consistent with their support and the act of simply being there for you, it is on you to not let your despair seep into their lives as well. 

In the past, during those episodes where I feel everything whirl around me and I'm unable to stand upright or make sense of anything in my head, I have allowed myself to plunge into it even further. And I have been toxic to my friends and my family. It wasn’t that I felt I was entitled to it, no. But I simply gave in to despair instead of fighting it. 

Because I didn’t know what else to do. Because I wasn’t strong enough. Because I just didn’t know any better.

And that is where therapy and medication comes in. The pills, they calm you. The therapy teaches you how to handle yourself in those situations. And you learn to disassociate from it long enough to realize you're crossing that line with the people who love you. And that it's not right.

It's not right to expect someone who is not mentally ill to understand everything you are going through. Someone who does not have Depression is incapable of comprehending the depth of it. But they still try to understand you, don’t they? And you have to give them credit for it. I do. A lot. 

But I have also learned that sometimes I am too much for some people. And that they are fighting their own battles and cannot take on any more. And I learn where the line is drawn and I steer clear of it now. And things are better. Those friendships are healthier and stronger. I don’t have unrealistic expectations from those who care about me. I learn their limitations and I steer clear of it. 

I know you're hurting. I know that some days are impossible. But you need to take responsibility for yourself and make it your priority to get help when help is needed. Realize that they are normal people who have their fair share of problems and not professionals who have studied how the brain works.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Get the proper help when help is needed. From trained professionals who are equipped to deal with the depth of your illness. Don’t expect more than anyone can give. And don’t be toxic to the people who love you. 

Believe me. I'm still trying too. I hope this helps.