OCD

I think it started when I saw this documentary on TV. I remember that feeling of abject horror I was stricken with, my skin crawling from my jaw to my skull. The unseen world of bacteria, germs and microbes. In our carpets, in our sheets and in our food. Even on our eyelids.

The fact that these minute creatures live in my surroundings and even in my own body created an all consuming awareness within me that progressed to full blown Germaphobia, which became the dominant part of my existing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Initially, it wasn't so bad. I felt a reasonable amount of disgust at the thought of multi legged infection carrying abnormal little beings inhabiting my body and my surroundings. However, over the past decade, my disgust evolved into revulsion and the inability to tolerate the thought of making physical contact, not with just the objects around me. But also with people. 

I avoided shaking hands, I had a decontamination ritual of washing my hands compulsively after them making contact with any surface. When I was 28 I got my own room. Finally. I made it into a cozy space, with a seating area for people... but then, the idea of people occupying that area in their outside clothes made my skin crawl. 

I feel it at its full intensity when someone sits at the head of my bed and I urge everyone to sit at the foot of the bed every time anyone visits my room. The thought of a person carrying germs they contract out on the street and smearing it on my pillows where I lay my head, it drives me crazy.

Every time anyone stepped in my room and left, I needed to wipe any possible surface they may have touched with a wet tissue and mop the floor before I lay down to sleep. Every. Single. Night. I suppose my obsession with cleaning my immediate vicinity was the result of me knowing that my life was beyond my control. So I tackled the one thing i could control. Keeping my surroundings clean. It was a compulsion brought on by feelings of helplessness with regard to the events that unfolded in my life.

Once I started treatment for Depression and Anxiety, the compulsions lessened. I can tolerate contact now and I force myself to be ok with not cleaning my floors every night. I still can't take the of anyone occupying the head of my bed and i doubt i ever will.

I still carry wet tissues wherever I go. And wipe my phone with it a few times every day. Taking it slow and being easy on myself. So yeah, that compulsive need you have to do something, that becomes easier too, once you start treating it. At least it did in my case.

The undeniable need to count tiles, panels and shapes still exist within me but it has gradually become an impulse that soothes me. The need to keep things in their designated spots and being unable to tolerate a thing being out of place are compulsions that i have gotten used to. And the fear of not locking doors, turning off stoves and etc, its manageable.

My point being that you are not beyond help. You can try and live a somewhat "normal" life. You just need to get the proper treatment for the disorder. And what is normal really? We all have our own version of what is normal. And that is perfectly fine as long as is doesn't make your life harder.