The Queen's Gambit

I watched The Queen's Gambit on Netflix & I have so much to say about it. Let's start with "Major Spoilers Ahead!", though, shall we? 

So I watched several shows this year (once again, Fuck Ridley Scott & his obsession with serpentine babies) but none of them made an impact on me like the story of Beth Harmon. It's not that I can relate to being a world champion chess player or to being an orphan. The reason why this tale matters so much to me is because of the significance of the ending. 

In an age where dark & depraved endings are embraced to get higher ratings, TQG is a breath of fresh air, albeit tinged with the smoke of Chesterfield Cigarettes. I love how Beth returns to her roots in the end, walking away from the glamour she could so easily indulge in. I love the humility of it all. And the familiarity of her sitting down with a man several decades her senior and playing the game she devotes her entire existence to. 

Now, on to the dresses. Oh, the dresses. So. I grew up poor, so I never had the money to dress the way I really wanted to. And once I did start earning well, I bought a lot of clothes. Because I like pretty clothes and want to dress well. Not necessarily expensive clothes but nice clothes. So I understand why Beth dresses the way she does. She does it for herself because she can. 

The recurring theme of friendship in TQG is especially gratifying. And in my experience, it is also true. I have my Jolene, I have my Matt & Mike and I have my Benny/Harry/Townes. Friendship will save you from any abyss if you let it. People come and go. But the ones who are there when you need them, become your family. Like Jolene is to Beth. 

Now, to the Green Pills. I know the feeling of wanting your senses to be dulled. To want the blur and the disengagement from your mind. I know what it's like to want it so much that you choose it over everything else. But you can also learn to live without it. I think I learned to do it because I finally learned to embrace living over existing.

I love that she has a second chance with a maternal figure and I love how they both try to be better for each other. You can always start over. With yourself and with others. It is possible. Relationships take work but it's worth it with the people who matter. 

The actions of your parents do not have to define your entire existence. You can get past the addictions & distractions that consume your capability of holding onto clarity. You don't have to remain broken because you suffer. Everyone suffers. To quote Jolene, you should stop digging that hole.

Beth gives me hope. Hope that no matter where you come from or what demons linger within you, you are capable not just of doing great things. But also, of being happy. 

Awakening

It's Friday & I'm sitting here on my swing thinking about how much my priorities have changed over the past year, how my mindset has shifted. I now desire little from life in order to be content. The notions of what true fulfillment are, notions I've harboured for decades, seem trivial & misguided now.

The past year has been a particularly brutal year for most of us. Losing loved ones, being deprived of simple pleasures, being trapped within the same four walls & some of us going completely broke. 2020 has certainly been a mofo, yes. But it has also taught me a lot. 

I've realised I don't need access to much material means in order to feel like I have it together. I've found that a simple roof over my head, warm food on my table & some clothes on my back are enough.  Books, my swing and the plants in my little garden are the luxuries I've earned for myself. Now if I could just see the sunset everyday, I wouldn't have any complaints. Hehe. 

I've always appreciated my people. Deeply. But over the past year, I've realised how crucial friendship & familial bonds are. These people will look after you & help you, regardless of whether you ask for it or not. Most people in my life are inherently generous & kind. I hope you are just as lucky.  

I've also realised I don't need to become what I thought I should be. The demands that had been weighing my shoulders down were not my own, but the society's. And all it did was make me feel empty.

I've learned to need & want less in life &  learned to be grateful for whatever I already have. To not regret what I lost & to let go of people & things that no longer align with the course I've set for myself. Not with resentment, but with acceptance. And the wish that they thrive, even if I'm not by their sides.

Most importantly, this year has taught me that I'd be much happier living somewhere remote & quiet, preferably surrounded by foliage and near the shore, doing something simple to make a living. Societal pressures are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, really. Your mental, spiritual & physical health are what's really important.

If you can afford to, do what gives you peace. I plan to spend the rest of my life doing just that. But yes, obligations are a part of life. Let's hope I find a way to fulfill both. I hope you do too. 

P.S. This newfound clarity does not apply to food. When it comes to food, more is definitely more. 

Healing through Humility

Earlier this year, before the threat of Coronavirus reached our shores & disrupted the routine of our everyday lives, I suffered an inexplicable loss. I beat myself up for my own naivety & for causing the harm & grief that I did. It was a process & it took its toll on me... & it took its time. 
Until one day, I woke up & decided that I needed my life to change. That I needed to be grateful for what I still had. That I needed to organize my mind. But first, I knew I needed to declutter the mess around me. 

I'd heard of the KonMari method being effective. The concept is simple. Declutter your possessions. Discard what you don't value. Keep only what brings you joy. Adopt minimalism. Adapt to the concept, embrace it... & you shall find some ease within you for having cleared the chaos around you. 

Marie Kondo is a world renowned organizing consultant, author and tv show host who's method of tidying up your home & thereby simplifying your life, has gained her a large following. Including yours truly. 

I looked around my tiny home & decided there was a lot in it that I didn't really need. Furniture. Clothes. Books. Accessories. Knickknacks. Things that were reminders of what I had lost. Things that no longer "brought me joy".

I approached it by categories & separated what I didn't want/need from what made me feel good when I looked at it or touched it. There was a considerable pile on both sides. I sold/gave away/threw away the former & reorganized the latter. Category by category. Until what was left was only what I absolutely needed. 

And slowly, over the next few days, I was able to release the tension that had knotted up in my shoulders & my back for weeks. But I still had my mind to declutter, though.

So I decided to truly embrace the Japanese concept of Wabi-sabi. In simple terms, the view acknowledges three simple realities: "nothing lasts, nothing is finished & nothing is perfect." The acceptance of transience & imperfection. 

My favourite word has always been "Ephemeral" since the first time I came across it, many years ago. And since then, I have related to it on a spiritual level. Fleeting...short-lived...transitory. I recognised the truth of how ephemeral everything in life is from a very young age. 

I suppose that explains why I love Cherry Blossoms too. Sakura is symbolic of transience. The flower is breathtakingly beautiful when it blooms. But the blossom lasts for only a short while, falling within a fortnight. 

Accepting these realities has enabled within me a deep sense of gratitude. Gratitude for what I have & also the lessons I've learned from how I lost what I lost. I now accept, without resentment or bitterness, that the world owes me nothing, and that while I do have a wonderful support system, the only person who can truly help me, is me.

Do no harm. Be grateful. Embrace life as it is, however short-lived happiness is or how swiftly things change. And above all else, I have learned that whether it is giving to you or taking from you, the timing is always impeccable when it comes to the Universe.

I hope this helps 🙏

Forsaken

Her incoherent cooing resonates around the Pit. She frets and fusses, tugging the remains of my dress down my thighs. I am empty. The shock of it has stripped me of all feeling. And yet i thirst for water, for food... for salvation.

She slides Her bony arm around my waist, lifts me gently off the muck I had festered in for days, the tendrils clutch at me, denying me release. I hear Her nails scrape as She scurries up the wall with me, and the jagged edges of the Pit cut into my skin. Blood spurts out and the warmth of it eases me.

We reach the mouth of the Pit & the light pierces my cornea, shooting a tremor straight into my brain. I have to retch. She gently lays me down at her feet, folds Herself down to my level and pats my cheek, cooing again. "Look" She croaks softly.

The light blinds me for a few seconds and I flinch in pain. I slowly open my raw eyelids and let my vision adjust to the light. I lie on a hearth, too vivid to be real. The shade of green looks unreal, corrupt, … these are no leaves, just blobs of green, clumped together. Garish.

The light that seems to pierce through the wall of green seems to want to gouge out my sight. I throw up and blood trails down my throat, oozing down onto the hearth. She wipes her hand over it and smears it senselessly against the green. "Flowers… pretty flowers" She croons, the tune, a forgotten melody from years past.

She had made this. For me. It is like a child's first painting, globs of colour clumped together. A tale only the child could decipher. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

"See" She croaks. "See" and drags me onto Her lap. Cowering down to my face, Her spine bending to an impossible curve, She touches Her forehead to mine and closes Her eyes. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as well.

When I open them, I see through Her eyes. We are in a clearing within a forest. Sunlight streams through the leaves above. Yellow butterflies flit past us and She giggles in joy. Poppies grew in patches nearby, the petals, the colour of fresh blood.

She grins at me, maniacally. Proud.

My scalp feels Her nails dig into it as She strokes my head. "There, there." She whispers hoarsely. I manage a smile, a thin curve of gratitude on my sunken face.

And so we stay here on the mouth of our Pit, me lying on Her lap and Her, stroking my head. Choosing delusion over reality.