Tiny Human

Today I miss my Tiny Human a little too much so I sent him a bunch of texts. Since he is busy with schoolwork, i went through our old photos to feel better. 

Rayii came into my life when I was at my worst & gave me a reason to live when I had none left. I call him my Patronus, the light that chased the darkness away. 

I was often sick then & he would climb onto my lap to comfort me. His endless blabber always soothed my mind & the warmth of his little body would seep into me, calming the hysteria inside my chest, giving me more reasons to hold on. 

In all honesty, he is my Saviour. Little dude doesn't even know he saved my life simply by existing. Strange how something so small can do so much 💛

A prayer for the fall of Western Imperialism

Just my thoughts, of late.

How lucky we are to not be under the mercy of an aggressor nation. To be able to go wherever we please & do whatever we please. To be able to eat, drink & live freely. To know that our children are safe & to go to sleep every night knowing we can keep them safe.

The west has waged war on so many lands & conduct mass genocides in those lands. Over and over. I hope & pray we stay safe from them. In the meantime, keep on raising your voices for those who can't. Because it matters 🙏

The Truth About Healing

Yesterday's EMDR session taught me that although I know healing is not linear, I subconsciously expect the healing of every trauma to be a clear & straight path for me. Got me thinking about how & why I don't apply all that I preach to my own journey at times. 

The expectations we place on ourselves to be better & do better is overwhelming & at times cruel. I prioritize my own healing above everything else now but even when I am being selfish to others, I still find myself being cruel to me. Quite a conundrum.

My therapist sees my internal struggle, between the part of me that wants to plough through it & heal and the part of me that rejects the need to delve into my past & the traumas they contain, become a physical thing & take form and reminds me to be kind to myself. To not expect my path to be a straight line. To not put a deadline on when I have to heal.

Some traumas are locked so deeply inside the maze that is our minds & it has so many dead ends that it makes you feel like you'll never find your way out. 

But it's like she says. Not a straight path, no deadline & be kind. Healing is painful as hell. There's no glossing over it.

Coming Home

I used to have two fully stacked bookshelves. Some time ago, l had to sell most of my books because I needed the money. Broke my heart, really. But now I have two bookshelves again. Not quite fully stacked ... but I'm getting there.

For several years, Depression & C-PTSD stood in my way when it came to doing a lot of things that I used to do. Including reading. Me being me, felt like a poor imitation of the person I used to be, when I realised I just couldn't read anymore. I couldn't even get through a page.

Then i started healing myself with professional help, medication & self accountability. And about two years ago, i started being able to read. It happened gradually & now, i go through multiple books a month, just like I used to before. My reading challenge for the year is 50 books. It's only July & I've already read 35 books already, meaning 70% of the challenge has been completed. 

The more I read, the more books I find that I need to read. Contemporary writers have a raw quality to them. I appreciate their exploration of trauma & it's consequences and their unapologetic bluntness when relaying their tales. It's such a beautiful thing to know that there are so many worlds out there, just waiting for me to delve into them. It's been wonderful coming home to myself 🥰

Manifestations

All my life I've prayed for a home that is draped in natural sunshine and has a view of the ocean. And just in time for my 39th trip around the sun, I'm living that dream, even if it is temporary.

I've healed so much over the past month & I owe it all to sunshine, this view & clean(er) air. Long way to go in my healing journey but this burden has become considerably lighter because I left the place I've lived in all my life and but never really felt like home.

Male' was making me sick in ways I wasn't even aware of. We had to break down some massive walls to get here but so grateful we were able to make it happen. It was all worth it 🙏💛🧿

EMDR

After living with decades of untreated trauma, i've started treatment for C-PTSD with an EMDR specialized therapist at Prana Lounge in Colombo.

One of the main reasons I moved abroad was accessibility to better mental & holistic health care facilities.

This is the vibe of the treatment rooms area of Prana Lounge. Such a quiet & soothing place 💛

Red

I've been repelled by red roses for over a decade, owing to the memories attached to it. My favourite flower is a pale pink rose & when i recieve bouquets, red roses are often used as filler flowers. Whenever that happens, I give them away or throw them out. 

My husband got this complementary red rose from a bookshop yesterday when he bought some books & a pink rose as a V Day gift. I was instantly repelled by it & said I didn't want it. But then i paused & reflected. I figured it's time I stopped allowing red roses to stir up trauma within me. After all, it's not the flower's fault. 

So I heated some water & dunked the petals in it & made a pretty centerpiece for my dining table. I didnt want to be disturbed by the sight of red roses anymore. Instead, I'd slowly learn to appreciate it. After years of gradual healing, I changed the narrative 💛

Chrysalis

Indulging in a cocoon phase is an ambivalent process when our minds have been wired for decades to believe that all of our time should be spent being productive. 

Two years & counting since I started breaking these cycles but it's so deeply ingrained within my core that I must stay productive to prove my worth that I still feel a sense of shame when I rest. 

It's ridiculous how unkind we are to ourselves while preaching kindness for all. Kindness begins at home. And home is within ourselves. I need to learn to rest without guilt or shame.

Thank you for the growth, 2022 🙏

I've collected wonderful memories this year, memories which center around me feeling grounded in nature. 

I travelled a lot within the country this year and had exceptional experiences. The recollections of them still pull me in to those moments and I can see, hear, taste, smell & almost feel the things around me. 

I feel like I've grown a lot through the year & with me, the women around me as well. We are breaking generational curses, removing toxic energy from our lives, pursuing forgotten passions as well as new interests & reconnecting with our Inner Child. 

We are painting, reading, cooking, gardening, dressing up & turning our spaces into what we desire. We are setting new intentions for the new year and aiming to stick to them. All we can do is try. I'm just really happy to see us trying, everyday. And learning to rest, when we need to and even when we dont.

I'm entering 2023 with the intention of taking care of myself even more and spending more time in nature. I hope to manifest a lot more too. My wish is for you all to do the same with your desires.

Boundaries

I've been thinking about boundaries a lot, lately. The more I establish them, the more I feel at peace. I've spent my whole life feeling responsible for other people's emotions, with an inherent need within me to rescue them. 

The more I educate myself on why I am the way I am, I realise it is because of my childhood conditioning. And I realised how draining some relationships in my life were. 

I've learned to place a healthy boundary with those people now. Some, I've completely drifted away from. Not with animosity but with a quiet calm. 

Your boundaries are sacred. They are what keeps your inner peace intact. And it is a process, learning to honour those boundaries 🙏

Rebirth

Coincidentally, this full moon; a time of rebirth & resolution, falls on September 10th, which is World Suicide Prevention Day. Many years ago, on this day, I went through something that scarred me for life. And so every year after that, this date is a reminder of the worst day of my life. 

C-PTSD nearly took my life a few years ago. But somehow, I held on. I dont know how but I'm grateful I did. Because despite the memories associated with this date, I am in a much better place now. Many things I yearned for, I have them now. I'm glad I managed to stick around for it. 

So this full moon, I cleaned my home & now I'm cleaning up my mind. And I'm counting my blessings. Tomorrow will be better 🙏

At Last

Doing inner work & intentional healing is a transformative journey.

You withdraw from toxic materialism & crave simplicity. Home making becomes a meditative act that makes your soul happy. Making healthy meals become successful experiments that fill you with delight. Having authentic relationships becomes a must.

And most importantly, you remove yourself from situations that don't serve your highest self. YOU become ur priority 💛

The Queen's Gambit

I watched The Queen's Gambit on Netflix & I have so much to say about it. Let's start with "Major Spoilers Ahead!", though, shall we? 

So I watched several shows this year (once again, Fuck Ridley Scott & his obsession with serpentine babies) but none of them made an impact on me like the story of Beth Harmon. It's not that I can relate to being a world champion chess player or to being an orphan. The reason why this tale matters so much to me is because of the significance of the ending. 

In an age where dark & depraved endings are embraced to get higher ratings, TQG is a breath of fresh air, albeit tinged with the smoke of Chesterfield Cigarettes. I love how Beth returns to her roots in the end, walking away from the glamour she could so easily indulge in. I love the humility of it all. And the familiarity of her sitting down with a man several decades her senior and playing the game she devotes her entire existence to. 

Now, on to the dresses. Oh, the dresses. So. I grew up poor, so I never had the money to dress the way I really wanted to. And once I did start earning well, I bought a lot of clothes. Because I like pretty clothes and want to dress well. Not necessarily expensive clothes but nice clothes. So I understand why Beth dresses the way she does. She does it for herself because she can. 

The recurring theme of friendship in TQG is especially gratifying. And in my experience, it is also true. I have my Jolene, I have my Matt & Mike and I have my Benny/Harry/Townes. Friendship will save you from any abyss if you let it. People come and go. But the ones who are there when you need them, become your family. Like Jolene is to Beth. 

Now, to the Green Pills. I know the feeling of wanting your senses to be dulled. To want the blur and the disengagement from your mind. I know what it's like to want it so much that you choose it over everything else. But you can also learn to live without it. I think I learned to do it because I finally learned to embrace living over existing.

I love that she has a second chance with a maternal figure and I love how they both try to be better for each other. You can always start over. With yourself and with others. It is possible. Relationships take work but it's worth it with the people who matter. 

The actions of your parents do not have to define your entire existence. You can get past the addictions & distractions that consume your capability of holding onto clarity. You don't have to remain broken because you suffer. Everyone suffers. To quote Jolene, you should stop digging that hole.

Beth gives me hope. Hope that no matter where you come from or what demons linger within you, you are capable not just of doing great things. But also, of being happy. 

Awakening

It's Friday & I'm sitting here on my swing thinking about how much my priorities have changed over the past year, how my mindset has shifted. I now desire little from life in order to be content. The notions of what true fulfillment are, notions I've harboured for decades, seem trivial & misguided now.

The past year has been a particularly brutal year for most of us. Losing loved ones, being deprived of simple pleasures, being trapped within the same four walls & some of us going completely broke. 2020 has certainly been a mofo, yes. But it has also taught me a lot. 

I've realised I don't need access to much material means in order to feel like I have it together. I've found that a simple roof over my head, warm food on my table & some clothes on my back are enough.  Books, my swing and the plants in my little garden are the luxuries I've earned for myself. Now if I could just see the sunset everyday, I wouldn't have any complaints. Hehe. 

I've always appreciated my people. Deeply. But over the past year, I've realised how crucial friendship & familial bonds are. These people will look after you & help you, regardless of whether you ask for it or not. Most people in my life are inherently generous & kind. I hope you are just as lucky.  

I've also realised I don't need to become what I thought I should be. The demands that had been weighing my shoulders down were not my own, but the society's. And all it did was make me feel empty.

I've learned to need & want less in life &  learned to be grateful for whatever I already have. To not regret what I lost & to let go of people & things that no longer align with the course I've set for myself. Not with resentment, but with acceptance. And the wish that they thrive, even if I'm not by their sides.

Most importantly, this year has taught me that I'd be much happier living somewhere remote & quiet, preferably surrounded by foliage and near the shore, doing something simple to make a living. Societal pressures are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, really. Your mental, spiritual & physical health are what's really important.

If you can afford to, do what gives you peace. I plan to spend the rest of my life doing just that. But yes, obligations are a part of life. Let's hope I find a way to fulfill both. I hope you do too. 

P.S. This newfound clarity does not apply to food. When it comes to food, more is definitely more. 

Healing through Humility

Earlier this year, before the threat of Coronavirus reached our shores & disrupted the routine of our everyday lives, I suffered an inexplicable loss. I beat myself up for my own naivety & for causing the harm & grief that I did. It was a process & it took its toll on me... & it took its time. 
Until one day, I woke up & decided that I needed my life to change. That I needed to be grateful for what I still had. That I needed to organize my mind. But first, I knew I needed to declutter the mess around me. 

I'd heard of the KonMari method being effective. The concept is simple. Declutter your possessions. Discard what you don't value. Keep only what brings you joy. Adopt minimalism. Adapt to the concept, embrace it... & you shall find some ease within you for having cleared the chaos around you. 

Marie Kondo is a world renowned organizing consultant, author and tv show host who's method of tidying up your home & thereby simplifying your life, has gained her a large following. Including yours truly. 

I looked around my tiny home & decided there was a lot in it that I didn't really need. Furniture. Clothes. Books. Accessories. Knickknacks. Things that were reminders of what I had lost. Things that no longer "brought me joy".

I approached it by categories & separated what I didn't want/need from what made me feel good when I looked at it or touched it. There was a considerable pile on both sides. I sold/gave away/threw away the former & reorganized the latter. Category by category. Until what was left was only what I absolutely needed. 

And slowly, over the next few days, I was able to release the tension that had knotted up in my shoulders & my back for weeks. But I still had my mind to declutter, though.

So I decided to truly embrace the Japanese concept of Wabi-sabi. In simple terms, the view acknowledges three simple realities: "nothing lasts, nothing is finished & nothing is perfect." The acceptance of transience & imperfection. 

My favourite word has always been "Ephemeral" since the first time I came across it, many years ago. And since then, I have related to it on a spiritual level. Fleeting...short-lived...transitory. I recognised the truth of how ephemeral everything in life is from a very young age. 

I suppose that explains why I love Cherry Blossoms too. Sakura is symbolic of transience. The flower is breathtakingly beautiful when it blooms. But the blossom lasts for only a short while, falling within a fortnight. 

Accepting these realities has enabled within me a deep sense of gratitude. Gratitude for what I have & also the lessons I've learned from how I lost what I lost. I now accept, without resentment or bitterness, that the world owes me nothing, and that while I do have a wonderful support system, the only person who can truly help me, is me.

Do no harm. Be grateful. Embrace life as it is, however short-lived happiness is or how swiftly things change. And above all else, I have learned that whether it is giving to you or taking from you, the timing is always impeccable when it comes to the Universe.

I hope this helps 🙏