Fly

The past five years have been a period of growth & transformation for me. I see changes in my behaviour, my attitude, my perceptions and my approaches. My temperament has quietened down ever since I learned to sit with my feelings, hold them & release them. 

Unleashing decades of trapped trauma is making me soft and glow from within. It is a beautiful thing to slowly become less angry, less harsh and less burdened. I still have quite a journey ahead of me in EMDR therapy. But I look back to what I have accomplished through it and I am amazed at how far I have come. 

A few days ago I was watering my plants and moving some pots about on my balcony. A lone dragonfly landed on my wrist, the movement as soft as a kiss. I froze in wonder and stared at it's irredescent wings and spindly body. It lasted for about 6 seconds and the dragonfly took flight, just as softly as it landed. i stared after it as it flittered away.

To me, it felt like a message from the universe, a message of acknowledgement and encouragement. The dragonfly symbolizes change. Dragonflies transform from aquatic nymphs to airborne adults and are often said to represent change in our own self-realization. A change that is rooted in one's emotional maturity and the delving into a deeper consciousness and the immaterial aspects of life.

I am walking that path now. The path of transformation. The universe sees and the universe blesses ✨

Harry Potter

Harry Potter holds such a special place in my heart. I was 12 years old when book 1 came out but I started reading it when I was 13. By then, book 2 was out so I read them both in one go. I was enchanted ✨

Book 3 came out when I was 15 & my mom got all three books for me on a trip to India. I remember everything about that moment. I was SO happy. When Book 4 came out, i was almost 16. I was growing up with Harry, Hermione & Ron. 

Books 5 & 6 came out during a transitional period of my life when I went from being a student to an employee. It was a strange time & the tragedies & horror Harry faced gave me courage to face my own trials. 

When the last book came out, I was 22 & living an isolated life in another country, away from my family & friends, in a hostile environment & a relationship that kept me dissociated from myself.

When I cried over the deaths of Hedwig, Dobby, Fred, Lupin, Tonks, Snape & everything Harry had to go through, I cried for myself too. I knew i had lost a part of me by then & I grieved that loss. In all honesty, living in Harry's world kept me going. 

I learned courage from Harry, Hermione, Ron, Snape, Dumbledore & all the characters that fought back against a malevolent force. And that is why the Harry Potter series means so much to me. It saved me, in so many ways💛

Journaling

Since it is the beginning of the year and a great time to start journaling, I wanted to encourage everyone to start their own journaling habit. I've been journaling consistently for the past 4 years and this is my 5th year now.

I don't make daily entries but I do daily Bullet Journaling, which is so much easier to track my habits, mental health, food I eat and the daily practices that help me feel healthier mentally, physically and spiritually. I only make lengthy entries when I want to navigate through my feelings because it helps me to have everything down on paper. 

Ive been using 'doodlecollection' journals and they have detailed categories which help me keep track of everything i want to. Vision board, goals & strategies to achieve them, finding the good in every month, decision list, brainstorming, project planning are some categories the journals already come with. You can journal to get more organised at work or plan your family life as well. 

I personally add monthly tasks & expenses, daily gratitude and highlight of the day. For Bullet Journaling, i have daily rating, health log, anxiety log, food log and habit log; which includes stretching, getting sunlight in the morning, spending time in nature, meditating and more.

It's not a huge task and you only have to log a few things daily. Making it artsy and fun is part of the process if you're into that. I find that I can track how my health responds to the things I do, the things I eat and the events that happen, and make better decisions that improve my quality of life every day. Hopefully this inspires someone to get into the habit of journaling 🙏

November

November was beautiful. It rained every day. Mist enveloped everything the eye could see. I walked a lot. I meditated a lot. I learned to sit quietly & listen to my thoughts without judgement. 

I prioritised my health & completed the medicals I was procrastinating. I had massive breakthroughs in therapy. I disengaged from unhealthy behaviours & focused only on what I could control. 

I learned to let things & people be. It was a month of revelations & deep introspection. Not everything is what I wish it would be but I know that I have a lot & so I am deeply grateful 💛🙏

Tiny Human

Today I miss my Tiny Human a little too much so I sent him a bunch of texts. Since he is busy with schoolwork, i went through our old photos to feel better. 

Rayii came into my life when I was at my worst & gave me a reason to live when I had none left. I call him my Patronus, the light that chased the darkness away. 

I was often sick then & he would climb onto my lap to comfort me. His endless blabber always soothed my mind & the warmth of his little body would seep into me, calming the hysteria inside my chest, giving me more reasons to hold on. 

In all honesty, he is my Saviour. Little dude doesn't even know he saved my life simply by existing. Strange how something so small can do so much 💛

A prayer for the fall of Western Imperialism

Just my thoughts, of late.

How lucky we are to not be under the mercy of an aggressor nation. To be able to go wherever we please & do whatever we please. To be able to eat, drink & live freely. To know that our children are safe & to go to sleep every night knowing we can keep them safe.

The west has waged war on so many lands & conduct mass genocides in those lands. Over and over. I hope & pray we stay safe from them. In the meantime, keep on raising your voices for those who can't. Because it matters 🙏

The Truth About Healing

Yesterday's EMDR session taught me that although I know healing is not linear, I subconsciously expect the healing of every trauma to be a clear & straight path for me. Got me thinking about how & why I don't apply all that I preach to my own journey at times. 

The expectations we place on ourselves to be better & do better is overwhelming & at times cruel. I prioritize my own healing above everything else now but even when I am being selfish to others, I still find myself being cruel to me. Quite a conundrum.

My therapist sees my internal struggle, between the part of me that wants to plough through it & heal and the part of me that rejects the need to delve into my past & the traumas they contain, become a physical thing & take form and reminds me to be kind to myself. To not expect my path to be a straight line. To not put a deadline on when I have to heal.

Some traumas are locked so deeply inside the maze that is our minds & it has so many dead ends that it makes you feel like you'll never find your way out. 

But it's like she says. Not a straight path, no deadline & be kind. Healing is painful as hell. There's no glossing over it.

Coming Home

I used to have two fully stacked bookshelves. Some time ago, l had to sell most of my books because I needed the money. Broke my heart, really. But now I have two bookshelves again. Not quite fully stacked ... but I'm getting there.

For several years, Depression & C-PTSD stood in my way when it came to doing a lot of things that I used to do. Including reading. Me being me, felt like a poor imitation of the person I used to be, when I realised I just couldn't read anymore. I couldn't even get through a page.

Then i started healing myself with professional help, medication & self accountability. And about two years ago, i started being able to read. It happened gradually & now, i go through multiple books a month, just like I used to before. My reading challenge for the year is 50 books. It's only July & I've already read 35 books already, meaning 70% of the challenge has been completed. 

The more I read, the more books I find that I need to read. Contemporary writers have a raw quality to them. I appreciate their exploration of trauma & it's consequences and their unapologetic bluntness when relaying their tales. It's such a beautiful thing to know that there are so many worlds out there, just waiting for me to delve into them. It's been wonderful coming home to myself 🥰

Manifestations

All my life I've prayed for a home that is draped in natural sunshine and has a view of the ocean. And just in time for my 39th trip around the sun, I'm living that dream, even if it is temporary.

I've healed so much over the past month & I owe it all to sunshine, this view & clean(er) air. Long way to go in my healing journey but this burden has become considerably lighter because I left the place I've lived in all my life and but never really felt like home.

Male' was making me sick in ways I wasn't even aware of. We had to break down some massive walls to get here but so grateful we were able to make it happen. It was all worth it 🙏💛🧿

EMDR

After living with decades of untreated trauma, i've started treatment for C-PTSD with an EMDR specialized therapist at Prana Lounge in Colombo.

One of the main reasons I moved abroad was accessibility to better mental & holistic health care facilities.

This is the vibe of the treatment rooms area of Prana Lounge. Such a quiet & soothing place 💛

Red

I've been repelled by red roses for over a decade, owing to the memories attached to it. My favourite flower is a pale pink rose & when i recieve bouquets, red roses are often used as filler flowers. Whenever that happens, I give them away or throw them out. 

My husband got this complementary red rose from a bookshop yesterday when he bought some books & a pink rose as a V Day gift. I was instantly repelled by it & said I didn't want it. But then i paused & reflected. I figured it's time I stopped allowing red roses to stir up trauma within me. After all, it's not the flower's fault. 

So I heated some water & dunked the petals in it & made a pretty centerpiece for my dining table. I didnt want to be disturbed by the sight of red roses anymore. Instead, I'd slowly learn to appreciate it. After years of gradual healing, I changed the narrative 💛

Chrysalis

Indulging in a cocoon phase is an ambivalent process when our minds have been wired for decades to believe that all of our time should be spent being productive. 

Two years & counting since I started breaking these cycles but it's so deeply ingrained within my core that I must stay productive to prove my worth that I still feel a sense of shame when I rest. 

It's ridiculous how unkind we are to ourselves while preaching kindness for all. Kindness begins at home. And home is within ourselves. I need to learn to rest without guilt or shame.

Thank you for the growth, 2022 🙏

I've collected wonderful memories this year, memories which center around me feeling grounded in nature. 

I travelled a lot within the country this year and had exceptional experiences. The recollections of them still pull me in to those moments and I can see, hear, taste, smell & almost feel the things around me. 

I feel like I've grown a lot through the year & with me, the women around me as well. We are breaking generational curses, removing toxic energy from our lives, pursuing forgotten passions as well as new interests & reconnecting with our Inner Child. 

We are painting, reading, cooking, gardening, dressing up & turning our spaces into what we desire. We are setting new intentions for the new year and aiming to stick to them. All we can do is try. I'm just really happy to see us trying, everyday. And learning to rest, when we need to and even when we dont.

I'm entering 2023 with the intention of taking care of myself even more and spending more time in nature. I hope to manifest a lot more too. My wish is for you all to do the same with your desires.

Boundaries

I've been thinking about boundaries a lot, lately. The more I establish them, the more I feel at peace. I've spent my whole life feeling responsible for other people's emotions, with an inherent need within me to rescue them. 

The more I educate myself on why I am the way I am, I realise it is because of my childhood conditioning. And I realised how draining some relationships in my life were. 

I've learned to place a healthy boundary with those people now. Some, I've completely drifted away from. Not with animosity but with a quiet calm. 

Your boundaries are sacred. They are what keeps your inner peace intact. And it is a process, learning to honour those boundaries 🙏

Rebirth

Coincidentally, this full moon; a time of rebirth & resolution, falls on September 10th, which is World Suicide Prevention Day. Many years ago, on this day, I went through something that scarred me for life. And so every year after that, this date is a reminder of the worst day of my life. 

C-PTSD nearly took my life a few years ago. But somehow, I held on. I dont know how but I'm grateful I did. Because despite the memories associated with this date, I am in a much better place now. Many things I yearned for, I have them now. I'm glad I managed to stick around for it. 

So this full moon, I cleaned my home & now I'm cleaning up my mind. And I'm counting my blessings. Tomorrow will be better 🙏